Following up on the last newsletter, I felt that an article on vows wouldn’t be complete without discussing sexual restraint. Plus, men often ask me how to control sexual desire and I felt that to do justice to this question I should write something about it.

So that’s the topic of this newsletter.

 

I am approaching this issue more from the male perspective (obviously because I am a man and also because the scriptures approach it more from that perspective). Still, although men and women are wired differently and thus respond to physical sexual attraction differently, the basic principles of sexual attachment and material bondage transcend gender.

 

The purpose of this article is to deeply understand how sexual attachment affects our spiritual lives. There wasn’t room to discuss the positive aspects of Krsna conscious grihastha life and this article in no way is meant to demean married life, providing for a family, or being responsible parents. And it is not meant to minimize or criticize those who are not practicing celibacy.

 

For those who haven’t taken initiation vows or who are not practicing celibacy, I hope this will help you better understand the role of sex in spiritual life and how to gain more self control.

 

The exercises I suggest you do are all contained within the newsletter itself.

 

May you always think of Krsna,

 

Mahatma Das

 

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Recently I spent a week in England. On the way back, the devotee driving me to the airport said, “I’d like to become more renounced.” Without thinking for a second I immediately said, “That’s not really difficult because the material world is just sex and working to pay for it.” Surprised that I so spontaneously blurted that out, he laughed and said, “Wow, you’re right. That’s all it really is.”

 

 

Freud had this figured out. In the early days of the movement a devotee explained to Prabhupada Freud’s theory that everything one does is motivated by sex. The devotee disagreed and said he felt people are really motivated by a spiritual yearning. Prabhupada said no, Freud was actually right. Why did Prabhupada say this? Because Srimad Bhagavatam clearly explains that sex attraction, subtle or gross, is the impetus behind all material activities. Thus Prabhupada wrote in one letter,

 

 

SO IT FOLLOWS THAT MINIMIZING THE GROSS AND SUBTLE FORMS OF SEX IS THE MEANS OF GETTING OUT OF MATERIAL LIFE.

 

It’s Hard Work
It is obvious that people work hard for sex. Men spend their hard earned money on prostitutes, wining and dining their girlfriends (Prabhupada said girlfriend means prostitute), or working hard to maintain their families. Even if they are not doing this, they are putting out mental energy thinking about sex.

 

To find a girlfriend or boyfriend is hard work. Women especially go out of their way to attract men (dieting, exercising, having facials, going to hair solons, injecting botox, having plastic surgery, etc.). Next time you are at a mall notice how many clothes, jewelry, sunglass, cosmetic, and shoe stores are there. And don’t forget the hair and nail salons. Compare that number to the number of stores there which cater to people’s “spiritual yearning” (zero) and you can see that Freud knew what he was talking about.

 

Once a relationship is established with the opposite sex, it takes more effort to maintain it– to make it work (pun intended) - than it took to establish it. Even arranged marriages take work. The family has to find a suitable partner and the marriage ceremony is an elaborate and expensive affair. And of course an arranged marriage doesn’t mean a couple isn’t going to have to work on their relationship.

 

And speaking of work, raising children takes a tremendous amount of work and time. And on top of this we have to work forty, fifty, sixty, sometimes seventy hours a week to maintain the family.

 

Of course, we haven’t even mentioned the price one pays for illicit sex in the form of unwanted pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases and the karmic reaction of abortion. Also, the use of contraceptives is sinful and thus creates bad karma (those who don’t agree will have to argue with the yamadutas about this one). So illicit sex always comes with a price. And ultimately the big price we pay is taking another body. And guess what we do when we get that body? That’s right. We work hard again to maintain the body so we can enjoy sex. It’s kind of a rotten deal when you think about it, especially when you know there are much better options - like dancing eternally with Radha and Krsna in the spiritual world.

 

 

Subtle Sex in the form of Pride
The point is that if you want to play, you’ve got to pay. And even if you can see through this illusion and want to get out of it, you still have to work hard to overcome the whole realm of subtle sexual attraction. Krsna wasn’t kidding when He said in the Gita that we are, “struggling hard with six senses,which include the mind.”

 

In the Srimad Bhagavatam 2.2.12, Srila Prabhupada explains what subtle sex desire means. He refers to a domino reaction that follows the attraction of male and female: marriage, accumulating wealth and property, raising children, working hard, establishing some reputation for oneself and family, etc. Then he says,

 

 

The subtle aspect of sex – the one we that lures under everything we do - is the desire to control, be recognized, and be honored. In other words, the desire to have power and prestige (to imitate Krsna) is simply sex desire luring its ugly head in a subtle form. So when Prabhupada says things like, “The more we forget sex life the more we are advancing in spiritual life,” he is referring to all the trappings and aspects of both subtle and gross sex.

 

Do people work hard for subtle sex? I saw an interview with Donald Trump and he said he only sleeps four hours a night. Why? Obviously he doesn’t need to work that hard for money. He’s busy enthusiastically building up his empire and reputation. Certainly that’s not motivated by a spiritual yearning. Yes, the material world means sex and working to pay for it. Even Donald Trump is working hard for it.

 

AFTER ALL, IMITATING KRSNA IS HARD WORK.

 

Actually, Prabhupada said the material world means “the shackles of sex.” The great heroes are not the Donald Trumps; the heroes are the ones who conquer their senses.

 

Getting Free
Naturally the question arises, “If purification means freedom from both the gross and subtle aspects of sex desire, how do I become free from them?” Good question. I am glad you asked.

 

First we have to put sex in its proper place in our spiritual lives if we are going to be able to successfully control it.

 

 

That makes it clear that we need to control ourselves sexually if we want to be Krsna conscious, even in household life. If we don’t get this clear, if we don’t get this deep into our psyche, we won’t have a strong impetus to control it.

 

 

Two points are important here: afflicted by the lust of sex desire and sinful contamination.

 

Why are these points important? Because modern society doesn’t view sex as a disease, or as sinful contamination. They view it the opposite way. They put it on a pedestal and worship it. And if we view it like they do, it’s likely we will be entangled in the same way they are. Of course, Krsna says He is sex (kama) according to religious principles. This means having sex only for the purpose of raising Krsna conscious children. So when the scriptures or Srila Prabhupda speaks about sex in a negative way, they are referring to sex for purposes other than producing Krsna conscious children. Yes, I know that’s a very restricted definition, something that seems quite narrow. But it was Krsna - not me - who made up that rule. And He also determined the results and consequences for not following it.

 

THE RULES DON’T CHANGE JUST BECAUSE WE DON’T THINK THEY ARE FAIR.

 

 

Wow. That’s some really good news about celibacy. We always wanted the easy road, the fast food way to Vaikuntha, and here it is. All you have to do is renounce sex and immediately you will be half way to the spiritual world. The secret formula we have all been looking for is now revealed. We have found Easy St. to Vaikuntha. Haribol!

 

The only problem is that renouncing sex is not simple. It’s probably the most difficult thing we’ll ever do. So how do we do it? I am proud of you for asking that question because only a few rare souls ever ask it. Everyone else will asks, “Where can I find some Viagra?”

 

The Key is Determination
The first thing, the main thing, and ultimately the only thing we can do to conquer this obstacle is to be determined to control it. That is the magic formula. Of course, chanting Hare Krsna is the ultimate “magic formula,” but if one is not determined to control oneself, chanting alone won’t do it. Many devotees have fallen prey to illicit sex even though they were chanting sixteen rounds a day. If you are not determined to stop it, it will continually creep up on you, even when you least expect it. Whenever your guard is down, maya will punch you.

 

 

But why is it so hard? Prabhuapda said maya is strong because your purpose is not strong. Or as the saying goes, “Obstacles are those things you see when you loose sight of the goal.” Translated into a Krsna conscious context this means,

 

SEX DESIRE IS WHAT YOU SEE WHEN YOU LOOSE SIGHT OF RADHA AND KRSNA.

 

One god-brother of mine told me that Prabhupada said maya doesn’t have anything to do because she created sex desire. Since she has everyone bound by sex, she can relax. Because of sex desire the material entanglement of the conditioned souls is on automatic pilot. But if we decide to control our sex desire, to not be like everyone else, maya has to take time off from her vacation and give us special attention. In other words, she is going to try to work us over. I get the feeling she doesn’t really like celibates. They create too much work for her.

 

And you can be sure that maya isn’t going to let us out of her clutches unless we really want Krsna. Actually, she really wants us to be Krsna conscious, but she will make us pay the price.

 

Once when Prabhupada gave sannyasa he said that it’s not that your sex desire will go away, but now you cannot act on it. So determination (and tolerance) is the key, even for the grihastha. Sex desire will be there to some degree as long as we have a material body. It’s a question of whether or not we choose to control it.

 

 

Purport
Srila Visvanatha Cakravarti Thakura has suggested how one can conquer lusty desires for sense gratification. One cannot give up thinking of women, for thinking in this way is natural; even while walking on the streets one will see so many women….. If one is determined not to have sex, he can automatically conquer lusty desires. An example given in this regard is that even if one is hungry, if on that particular day he has decided to observe fasting, he can naturally conquer the disturbances of hunger and thirst.”

Therefore we can conclude that if we are having difficulty controlling either the subtle or gross aspects of sex, we need to be more determined. It is not just going to go away on its own. Prabhupada said it will continue right up until death if we don’t make the effort to control and purify ourselves. I think you can agree that you probably have better things to be thinking of at the time of death. So let’s get to work on this problem.

 

And when do we start? YESTERDAY!

 

 

 

As it is said, casual means casualty.

 

Have you ever seen the T-shirt that says, “I am in no shape to exercise”? Do you ever feel this way about your spiritual exercises? Actually, you don’t have to tell me. I already know the answer.

 

So how do we develop this determination? You need to get some leverage. If you are going to think of sex then at least meditate on the consequences of it. Consider the suffering that accrues from gross and subtle sex and resolve not to indulge in it. Think in a way that helps you put out the fire, not in a way that increases it.

 

Actually, we are surrounded by obvious solutions to help us gain more self control and advance spiritually. The problem is we don’t care to see them. How can I say that? Well, get out a piece of paper and write down a few things (or think of a few things) you could do that would help you become more Krsna conscious (or do it later if you don’t have time now). Obviously, you can easily think of a few right away. You could probably think of a lot if you took the time. So you have access to solutions if you want them. The big question is, Do you want them?

 

IF WE WOULD JUST THINK ABOUT HOW TO ADVANCE IN KRSNA CONSCIOUSNESS AS MUCH AS WE THINK ABOUT SEX, WE’D ALL BE LIBERATED BY NOW.

 

Don’t Make It Hard On Yourself
The more you think of something, the more you want it. This works either for us or against us. The more you think of Krsna, the more you want Him. And the more you think of sex, the more we want that. As one of my friends wrote in a song, “It’s up to you what you want to do.” No one is holding a gun to your head saying, “Don’t think of Krsna, think of sex.”(Although I must admit, sometimes it can feel pretty much like this).

 

Samskaras are mental impressions that become implanted in our subconscious. Contemplating sex, looking at the opposite sex, watching movies and hearing songs about sex, seeing pictures about it, putting too much attention on how we look, etc. adds more sexual samskaras to our already overflowing stock. This just makes it that much more difficult to control sex desire.

 

AND UNFORTUNATELY, IT MAKES IT MORE DIFFICULT TO WANT TO CONTROL IT.

 

Therefore, if we want to conquer this desire we can’t do it while creating more sexual samskaras. Men create these mental impressions primarily by looking at women’s physical features, either in person, in magazines, on TV, in movies or on the internet. By the way, I had a high school teacher who told us that our motive to fix up our cars was just sex. It’s true. Sometimes cars are even referred to as “sexy.”

 

Women do this by spending unnecessary amounts of time and money making themselves attractive to men and then showing off their bodies. And watching romantic and sexually explicit movies, either for men or women, just makes it that much more difficult to be celibate and think of Krsna. Radha and Krsna have the best romance. We are meant to hear about Their loving affairs. This cures the disease of lust. Reading or watching films about mundane love affairs certainly doesn’t instill the proper mental impressions needed for the service of Radha and Krsna. Watching a mundane movie or reading a romantic novel at night and chanting and doing sadhana the next morning is like climbing a mountain with weights on? It’s already hard enough to be Krsna conscious. Don’t make it harder.

 

If you are having difficulty controlling either the subtle or gross aspects of sex, look at your activities and ask yourself what you are doing that is making it difficult for you to control this enemy. Why not make a list and see what you find. In order to give you some more ideas, let me suggest some things I haven’t mentioned.

 

Spending lots of time with the opposite sex at work or elsewhere (unless it’s a serious relationship).
Fleerting with the opposite sex.
Eating lavishly.
Trying to impress the opposite sex, either physically or otherwise.
Contemplating sexual enjoyment when you see the opposite sex.
Being overly concerned about your physical appearance and thus putting excessive amounts of time and money into looking good (this causes us so much unhappiness).
Not growing old gracefully (trying to look and dress way younger than you are)
Looking for recognition, honor, or distinction

 

OK. Hopefully that will give you some ideas to get you going. And if you decide not to make this list, can I ask you a question? Why not? You don’t have to answer me. Just answer yourself. Of course, if you are a liberated soul I can understand that you wouldn’t have anything to put on your list. But if you are not, I am sure you will find a few things that you should be working on. And those few things can help you tremendously. So get to work on that list.

 

If They Can Do It, So Can You
In the modern world celibacy is obviously not popular. But that was always not so. Here’s a small who’s who list of great men in the material world who practiced celibacy. If they can do it, why not you?

 

Cervantes (who wrote Don Quixote while in prison), Dante (who wrote his Divine Comedy while in exile), Milton (who wrote Paradise Lost when blind and when he did not indulge in sex), Sir Isaac Newton (active in intellect until the age of 80), Leonardo da Vinci, Michelangelo, Pythagoras, Plato, Aristotle, Spinoza, Kant, Beethoven, Herbert Spencer, Mahatma Gandhi (and Mahatma Das, soon to be a great historical figure). Many other philosophers, artists, and scientists have preferred to sublimate the sex drive in order to increase their creativity and concentrate their energy on intellectual pursuits.

I Can Do It
There is conference held every year called “I Can Do It.” It hosts motivational speakers that give people insights into how to achieve their goals. So I would like to end with a motivational “I can do it” from Srila Prabhupada. And unlike the other motivational speakers who motivate people to do what they want, and thus cause them to take another birth in the material world to do more of what they want, these motivational words will you take right out of the material world.

 

 

Prabhupada writes in the Srimad Bhagavatam that we actually come into the material world to enjoy beautiful women. But here Prabhupada makes it clear that if we really want Krsna’s lotus feet, He’ll give them to us. But I can tell you from personal experience that “really want” must really mean really want if you really want to get Krsna. Otherwise, if you don’t really want Krsna, I don’t think you are really going to get Krsna. Really.

 

So get real.

 

Otherwise, Krsna will give you more sex, the very thing you came here to get. But you’ll have to work for it.